I'm about to get really real here.
Have you ever been so caught up in a friendship or relationship that you know isn't right for you but you can't get yourself to give up on trying to change them. Maybe they were a negative being in your life or a non believer that you thought could come around to believing just like you. Maybe, you thought that you could have this greater impact on them and lead them to Christ. But, for some it just doesn't work like that. For some they need their own time to find Christ. They need to hit that rock bottom moment so that they can realize that there is no other way to becoming fulfilled in life than following Jesus. I'm not saying don't try and lead. That is, in fact, what we are called to do with our lives. What I am trying to say is don't get too caught up in a relationship that is unhealthy for you that you start to lose sight of your own relationship with God. Because I know I did. My joy was dependent on my relationship and that's why I broke.
I struggled. Everyone struggles with this at some point. Falling for someone that you know isn't exactly the right person for you but deep down hoping that something would change and everything would be okay. Thinking that this relationship is more important than your relationship with God. Wishing that this person would believe the same as you and want to walk with Christ along with you. But there ends up being too much of a gap to fill on your own. This gap can only be filled by Jesus and when he decides it is time. Don't blame yourself. Also, don't blame the other person. Maybe they weren't raised like you. Maybe, they've had a rougher time figuring out who they want to be. It could be one of the greatest people who has ever entered your life, but you know you just have to let them go. You just can't force someone to change.
I thought that I could. I thought that being in love was enough to change someone. I thought that since he loved me he would change for me. I wanted it to work so bad that I was willing to stop getting as involved in the church as I was before. I was broken, but was also blind to my own brokenness. But thinking back at that, I wasn't leading the life that God wanted me to lead to show others Christ in the first place. I was being held captive in my faith because I didn't want to seem "too religious" and have him leave. I didn't want to be "too pushy" and push him away. So I secluded my faith and hid behind my fears because I didn't want to get my heart broken.
But why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we set aside God when he knows how these relationships are going to turn out anyways? We should follow the plan He has in store for us. But sometimes, we like to think the we are the ones in control. It turns out that no matter how much you try to hide from God, he will always make a change in your life so that you can't hide from Him any longer.
I pray for people who haven't found God yet every single night, him especially. I don't regret anything about that relationship but I hope that others like him can see a light of Christ in me. I have hope that Jesus will make His way into the hearts of others and change their lives like mine was. In Romans 10:14 it says, "How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard?". But as I kept reading God's response was so beautiful. In Romans 10:15 it says, "As it is written: "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!". While reading this to myself I became overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and of just how simple God puts it; how we are the ones who are carriers of this good news.
This last year was filled with so much joy but also heartbreak. I want to speak to every girl out there when I say that no matter how you're feeling about yourself today, God thinks the world of you and His heart breaks for you too. You're not in this alone. We have a God that knows what you are going through. He has experienced everything you're experiencing now. But, the only way to feel joy again is to stop looking to other people or relationships to make you happy again. That void we feel right now is where God is opening a gap for himself into your heart. Maybe someday, later on in life, after we have grown as people and children of God things could change. Maybe this chapter was just meant to be focused on ourselves and in God. But only He knows the greater plan and all we can do is be patient and believe in his promise that He has a special purpose for our lives.
At Raider Church tonight the pastor said something that stuck with me. He said that God will turn your mess into a message. I believe that to be so true for whatever mess we are experiencing in our lives. We are in that mess for a reason and God knows exactly what he is doing and where he is taking you out of it.
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